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You know, I was at the doctor's the other day. Yes, I know, shocking. I'm usually more of a "self-diagnose with WebMD and panic" kind of guy. But this time, something was actually wrong. I had these… these marks. On the inside of my thighs. Green marks.
(Leans into the mic conspiratorially)
Now, before you start picturing me wrestling with a giant leprechaun, let me tell you, it wasn't that exciting. I'm sitting there, trying to explain this to my doctor, who, by the way, looked suspiciously like the guy in this cartoon. Same suit, same slightly-too-wide tie, same look in his eyes that says, "I've seen it all, and most of it was probably your fault."
So I’m telling him, "Doctor, I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs." And he’s just staring at me, stroking his chin, probably thinking about his golf handicap. Then, he looks up, and he asks me, completely out of the blue, "Does your husband have pierced ears?"
(Pauses for audience reaction, miming confusion)
My husband? I don't have a husband! I have a very opinionated cat and a collection of novelty socks. So I'm like, "Uh, no, doctor. I don't have a husband. And even if I did, I don't think his ear piercings are relevant to my thigh situation."
He just nods, completely unfazed, and says, "Ah. Well, tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
(Looks directly at the audience, a slow realization dawning)
And then it hit me. This isn't my doctor. This is that doctor. The one in the cartoon. And that woman, with the… impressive hair and the equally impressive… assets, she's the one with the thigh marks! She's the one with the husband!
(Shakes head, chuckling)
See, what happened was, she went to her doctor, right? "Doctor, I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs." And the doctor, bless his heart, he’s clearly seen this before. He knows exactly what’s going on. He's thinking, "Ah, yes. The classic 'borrowed jewelry' incident."
He asks her, "Does your husband have pierced ears?" Because, you know, men with pierced ears, sometimes they have… costume jewelry. And the wife, she’s probably thinking, "What does his earlobes have to do with my inner thigh discomfort?" But she answers, "Yes, why?"
And the doctor, with that perfect deadpan delivery, says, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
(Mimes the woman storming out, muttering)
Imagine the scene! She goes home, confronts her husband. "Honey, the doctor says your earrings aren't real gold." And he’s probably looking at her, confused, like, "How did he know? Did he see them? Did he give me a physical through my wife's thighs?"
And she's probably thinking, "Next time, I'm just going to wear my own darn earrings. Or maybe just stick to that one pair of actual gold ones I own."
So, what have we learned here, folks? One, if you get green marks on your thighs, it might be your husband's cheap jewelry. Two, doctors have seen everything. And three, if you're going to borrow your husband's accessories, make sure they're the real deal. Or at least, make sure they don't leave a mark.
(Grins) Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience! Drive safe, and check your thighs!